I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
