Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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