My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
