Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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