Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
