I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
