Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
