It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
