eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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