What did we do last night that was yellow?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
