why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
