This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
