Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
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I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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