Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
