Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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