I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
