Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
