I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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