You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
