I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
