oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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