Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.