did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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