A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
