I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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