dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
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I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
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No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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