I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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