Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
