The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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