if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
only if we run a train.
done.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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