On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
