I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
