Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
