Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
