I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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