my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
