I wish I could teleport
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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