I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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