i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
