im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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