you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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