the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
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We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
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We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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