when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
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remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
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The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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