I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
