she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
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1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
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I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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