On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Randomize
