Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
