if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
