you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
