I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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