I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
