I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
