So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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