You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Randomize
