i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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