theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
