Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
